My health journey (From Starving, Bingeing & Over-Exercising, crippling body image anxiety to healing my body, mindset change, the Happiest l've Been in My Body)

I’m super excited for today’s letter ( edition 5 ) because I’m gonna be sharing the details about my health journey, I’m excited because I know that by talking about it even though it can be hard to open up sometimes & I know that it will help a lot of people who are struggling with the similar things & to show that it does get better and that you’re not alone, before we jump right into it, I just wanted to give quick trigger warning to anyone reading this who maybe triggered by things like disordered eating, bulimia( binging & purging) or relationship with food and exercise in general, feel free to skip this one because that is part of my health journey.

_{“Let this journey change you, as it has changed me, a reminder that your life, and all the incredible things you're yet to experience, are waiting for you on the other side of the wall.”}

How it started

My struggle with eating disorders is unique, it is different and it is extremely personal to me. And my recent journey into recovery has been the proudest, most difficult accomplishment of my life.

I am currently 21 years old and I suppose you could say that my eating disorder started at 14 but, as many people with disordered eating will tell you, the foundations were probably laid years before that.

I was 16 maybe 15 when I fully started becoming aware of my body. I had started puberty prior to that, but it was at this young age that I really started to feel like I was overweight.

In March 2020, the World Health Organization declared a pandemic when I was an high school pass out. The rise of online learning and social distancing required more self-regulation and intrinsic motivation, so I sought strategies for staying inspired. I set goals to be the best version of myself; to get in the best shape of my life physically and mentally.

I also bought into the idea that I had to be a certain body type to be valued, and that my worth was related to my appearance. To that end, I gathered vast amounts of information about “healthy” meal ideas and habits from the internet. I believed “clean eating” would keep me motivated and make me happy. And the plan worked… for a while. I went from being a normal weight, to reaching my goal weight, to being underweight. While I was proud of myself and loved the compliments people gave me, my relationship with food had become totally unhealthy. I no longer considered food as necessary fuel, but the thing that would make me gain weight. Being thin became an obsession that brought more restrictive dieting

The more I chased the ideal, the more I lost—my health, my energy, my peace.

Anorexia then Bulimia

I experienced what’s called purging bulimia, which is characterized by patterns of binge eating followed by behaviours such as making myself sick, fasting and skipping meals, exercising excessively, and/or ingesting digestive aids. I remember eating strictly 500 calories a day, fasting for 3 days at a time, obsessing with food labels, avoiding eating out, and using a small plate and spoon to decrease bite size. Furthermore, I divided food into healthy and unhealthy groups that were good and bad for me. I avoided fruits high in sugar and panicked at the thought of using oil to cook my food in.

Even though I was underweight, I sometimes stayed home feeling I wasn’t skinny or pretty enough to go out. With my low carbohydrate intake, I felt fatigued and cold all the time. I also developed red spots (also called keto rashes) across the back and neck. I reintroduced carbohydrates gradually to reduce the rash, but I couldn’t control myself. I binged on whatever I could find in my refrigerator and food drawer. These binges grew worse as my eating habits fluctuated along with my ability to remember what I’d eaten. I continued eating large amounts of food when I wasn’t hungry and until feeling uncomfortably full. Then I started eating alone in my room because I was ashamed about how much I was eating. After binging, I felt guilty and hated myself. I thought I was worthless, and that life wasn’t worth living. As punishment, I purged, I exercised compulsively, continued to restrict food intake, and took laxatives.

About a year later, I grew tired of obsessing about food and my body size and asked myself what I really wanted from life.

The Binge- restrict cycle

I started to gain the weight I lost. The cycle of binging- restricting made me gain a lot of weight & I remember feeling so miserable & disconnected from my body, I was like what is even going on, I truly didn't even know & then one thing led to another I started to develop gut issues, I was about 18 years old, omg this horrible horrible bloating, so uncomfortable, irregularity, not feeling good, feeling so anxious & moody, I was crying all the time, like why is this happening? And that was probably the lowest points of my life, I was just not not happy.

We can go into the topic of how I healed my gut, that is whole another topic because I would go to the doctors & hear the same thing you’re healthy, nothing is wrong. But I knew something was wrong so that’s how I got into holistic health because when no doctor can help me I needed to help myself, learned what worked for my body what didn't, but that is for another topic because there is so much that went in it.

So,

How I recovered from Eating disorders, unhealthy relationship with food & exercise

India currently lacks a dedicated association or body focused on eating disorders. This absence might be due to a lack of interest or a shortage of professionals specializing in EDs.

Long story short I knew my body is rebelling against me, all these gut issues, anxiety, bad place mentally, I was breaking out, no energy, my hormones were just so out of wack. All these things my body was showing me signalling it to me that I’m not healthy. I thought it was healthy undereating & overexercising & all these things but I realised it’s not, it’s really not. I saw how much my body was rebelling against me & I needed to let go of some control.

I explored various treatments for bulimia, but here is the biggest problem of all times, India lacks resources for people with eating disorders, there is little to no awareness about the topic, after feeling like if I am ever going to come out of it, I looked for online support from different countries, their courses, podcasts etc, I also learned that many people with bulimia struggle with co-occurring mental health disorders, which might perpetuate bulimic behaviours.

If you’re someone who’s struggling please, please talk to somebody. Early intervention will save you from so much pain & health struggles.

Taking Responsibility for My Healing Journey

I just made a change for the better it was hard, didn't happen overnight, my mindset didn't shift overnight, of course learning to let of food as a coping mechanism, that control I had over every single thing I ate, didn't happen overnight but, making it a point to change & live my life for the better & to heal my body because my body wasn't healthy, it really forced me to try & to give up that control.

So I kept doing that & what helped me the most was the fact when I left everything behind, moved cities, and, for the first time, made decisions entirely for mysef. That day, I told myself: From this point on, I took personal responsibility, anything good or bad that happens is mine. My failure, my loss, my success—no one else’s. It showed me there is so much more to life than stay stuck with food obsession & hating your body. I had to trust my own decisions more than anything, even when everyone around me told me otherwise. And in doing so, I finally started prioritizing my own needs.

It didn't happen overnight but I’ll say that working towards shifting that mindset, seeking help for your very unique experience and doing things cold turkey, really healed my relationship with food & exercise.

Exercise, It’s important to view exercise as a way to nourish your body rather than a form of punishment. For me, Pilates transformed my relationship with movement, making it enjoyable, gives me energy and less draining compared to intense cardio or weight lifting. I started cutting back on workouts, I stopped working out as much as I did to compensate for what I ate that day.

Like I said this did not happen overnight. Healing your relationship with food, healing your relationship with exercise & your body is a continual journey & I don't think that it stops at anytime for anyone I’m still on my health journey, it’s never linear, but I’ll say today I’m at a place where I’m intuitively eating, listening to my body & doing what feels good & not looking at exercise & dieting as punishment or whatever it is. I’m not dieting, I can't remember last time saying I’m on a “diet”, because dieting doesn't work, I tried yo-yo dieting & it didn't work, it just led to more restrictions & more binging.

You’re Worth Healing!

So all in all anything to take away from this is just that YOU’RE WORTH HEALING, and whatever that means for you, if it means healing your relationship with food healing your relationship with your body, shifting your mindset whatever it is you’re worth healing & speak out for the help that you need, if you do.

Healing is not linear journey but I can say with confidence that I’m the most happy with my body that I’ve ever been in my life & I feel in control with my food choices , not binging & overeating. And so many people think it’s the opposite that if they let go of the restriction that you’re gonna binge, gain weight& honestly it’s the the opposite at least for me it was that once I stopped restricting I got so in tune with my body nourish it with what it wants, fuel that makes me feel my best, I’m not dying to have these more “unhealthy foods”.

So healing is worth it & I’m so grateful for the place I’m at today that I can help you, talk to people, share my journey.

So if you got anything from this read today, I hope you realise that you’re not alone & everyone goes through health journey & it gets better.

-Vaishi