Why families are the hidden Superpower in eating disorder recovery

When a loved one develops an eating disorder, the focus (appropriately) is always on getting the individual the treatment and professional support that they need.

Families will do their best to ensure that their loved one has access to a properly qualified treatment team, where possible – and as soon as possible.

And yes, that’s important but they’re missing one of the key pieces of the treatment team, themselves!

We often say that having an eating disorder in the family is like landing on a hostile planet – it feels as if you no longer understand the language, you’re constantly walking on eggshells, and everything you say is wrong.

And sometimes, rather than saying the wrong thing, we keep our mouths shut as we’re so unsure what to do and we feel powerless to help.

Or we end up (inadvertently) accommodating the eating disorder, rather than supporting our person.  

It is so important for families (partners, parents, family members and friends) to understand that they need support too, both to cope with and understand the illness – and to make a difference in a loved one’s recovery. (Note: I’m using the term ‘family’ loosely here – it can be chosen family, such as partners and friends too).

Why does family support matter?

At Supported Families, we believe, passionately, that families are the hidden (and often untapped) superpower in eating disorder recovery.

And this is fully backed up by research:

Positive family engagement can lead to better outcomes: fewer relapses, longer duration between relapses, reduced hospital admissions, shorter inpatient stays and improved compliance to medication and treatment plans.

And this remains the case, no matter the age of the person. Yes the support might look a little different if it’s an adult rather than an adolescent but the important thing is that we can effectively provide support – if we’re taught how to.

And we also see this every day from the families that we work with.

So what can we do to make a difference?

As a parent, I’ve been on this journey myself.

I know how hard and isolating it is. I know how powerless and fearful it can feel as parents, or family members. It can be exhausting and overwhelming.

If I was asked to share 3 things that family members and friends could do to help their loved ones, I’d suggest:

1. Understand the illness

The first thing I always tell the families I work with, is to go gently on themselves and their loved one. Their loved one didn’t ask for this; the parents didn’t cause it.

The family has never been in this situation before, so it’s not a surprise that they’re saying the wrong things, or feeling utterly overwhelmed.

Educating themselves about the illness, understanding it a little bit better, can make such a difference. Understanding that this is not their person at their best, healthiest self can help.

Understanding how eating disorders happen, that your loved one didn’t choose this, and letting them know that you understand this, can help them feel less isolated and alone.

Check out what resources and supports are available in your area. Ask your loved one’s treatment team what they would recommend to help you understand.

Go gently on yourself with this too though. Sometimes we try and read all the books, attend all the webinars and we only end up confused and overwhelmed. Find one reputable source and stick with it. (check out what we offer at the link below).

2. Take time to learn what works in terms of language and skills

We know that families don’t cause eating disorders.

At the same time, though, we have also learned that behavioural changes that we can learn to make, around the language we use, the way we communicate and support our loved one can make a world of difference.

We as family members can equip ourselves with the skills that we need, in essence the skills the professionals have, to support our loved one in their recovery journey.

As anyone who has worked with me has heard me say, there are 168 hours in a week. If your loved one is receiving outpatient treatment, that’s one hour a week with a therapist and half-an-hour to an hour with a dietitian.

That leaves a lot of hours for us at home! And, obviously, the more skills and knowledge we have, the more we can support our loved ones – effectively.

That is why Zuzanna and I teach the practical skills and strategies – we don’t just share the theory, though of course we do that too!

In terms of language, I would strongly recommend that we as family members try and avoid talking about food, weight, and shape (or body image), especially around mealtimes. Our loved one will be feeling very heightened anxiety at mealtimes. Focusing on the food on the plate, whether that be talking about portion sizes or calorie counts, can be really triggering. As can any discussions about weight or body shape.

We think that by providing reassurance we’re helping our loved ones, whereas in reality, we’re only bringing more focus to the meal itself. Focusing on the weather, or funny videos can be more helpful in the moment.

Any discussion about food should take place away from the dinner table.

3. Look after yourselves

Remember my comment at the start about the impact eating disorders have on the whole family? It is utterly overwhelming to support someone – and when it’s your child, it is completely terrifying.

Will they ever recover? How long will this take? Will they have an eating disorder forever? Will they die? Is this my fault?

And, in the process we forget to take care of ourselves.

It’s so important that we do! Why?

Because we need to role-model self-care to our loved one. After all, when you think about it, someone with an eating disorder is not taking care of themselves, though it’s not on purpose of course.

Often, the journey can be more of a marathon than a sprint, and an exhausted carer is an ineffective carer, so we need to find ways to sustain ourselves, to maintain a sense of well-being, no matter how hard that is.

And, finally, the more we can regulate our own emotions, staying calm, looking after ourselves, the more that we can help them stay calm too. It’s called emotional co-regulation and it’s a key tool in our ‘superpower toolbox’!

Remember, as family members, we can play a vital role in our loved one’s recovery, and we can also strengthen our family relationships in the process, difficult and all as this might feel right now!

Don’t hesitate to reach out if we can help Home - Supported Families

Deirdre Reddan is an Eating Disorder Coach and Mentor and co-founder of Supported Families, who educate, equip and empower parents, partners and family members on eating disorder recovery. They also train professionals.

A former banker, Deirdre came to this field after supporting her own child’s recovery.